Teenage Years…. November 4, 2009

When I first became pregnant with my son I was so scared yet excited at the same time. I was only 20 years old, had only been married for 4mo and the thought of me and my husband raising a child when it seemed like kids ourselves was a very scary thing..

I didn’t have those joys of being pregnant like some ladies. By my 12th week he was on his way. I had to be on full bed rest and was in and out of the hospital the whole time. For 8mo I was throwing up, I couldn’t even keep water down. Yet, I was determined to keep him in there growing as long as I could. Even when you don’t know yet how to be a mother you still have that instinct to protect what is yours.. Nurture them and give them what they need even though you don’t yet know their name. What they’ll look like.. But you know that you love them….

 

When you finally meet them its the most wonderful feeling in the world… They are the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen… You would do anything for them.. You even think when you don’t get enough rest that one day it will get better.. That they will sleep though the night at some point.. And you even long for those days… But what you didn’t know.. Is no one EVER told you about the teenage years…

 

So here we are, 13 years later and this morning I wish I could go back to restless nights.. The nights where he couldn’t talk back to me and only cried when he was wanting to eat or wet… Its like this sweet little boy I once had is someone i don’t even know anymore. He’s turned into this awful monster with a God complex.. This week I’ve so wished that your child came with a handbook.. A book that said when he acts like this do this.. That would make life so much more easy.. But no one ever said life was gonna be easy…

 

I swear I’m leaning everyday how to be a parent… The state that I’m in now I have no idea what in the hell I’m doing.. I just take it day by day. Its hard and its so stressful but I know, I know there’s a good boy in there somewhere.. I just have to find him again… Right now his whole life as he knows it has been taken away because of school.. And he’s mad at me for punishing him. And I look back and hope that I’ve taken the right approach. Funny after I do things I question myself wondering if that was the right thing to do. Does that make me a good parent to question myself?… I don’t know. I’m kind of at a loss what to do these days.. But I’ll keep trying.. Its not like I can give him away at this point..haha!!!

 

I guess today I think and know that the years that I wanted so bad when he kept me up all though the night, I don’t want anymore. I know that those years were more easy than these because you can always take a nap if your tired.. I just hope that he turns out to be a wonderful man…

Emotions…. October 27, 2009

The person I’ve become is a very strong woman… You know how in life when you were younger people would always say they are stronger because things they went through in their past?… I’ve found that is a true statement…. Of course these are things I wish I hadn’t gone through and at times I wonder what kind of person I’d be if I hadn’t.. Would I be more loving?.. Let people into my life more easy?… At any rate it doesn’t matter, I went though those things and some days I feel I’m to strong.. Not as caring or as understanding as I could be. But this is the person I’ve become. Level headed, a good strong wife and mother. And a person that wont be defeated by anything.

I’m the woman that can’t understand tears and never cries.. A woman that when someone else cries not really sure how to comfort them… A person that wont let anyone walk over me and doesn’t understand the people that can’t help but let others take advantage of them. I guess I’ve guarded my heart for so long that when a big change takes place I don’t know how to or  lets say deal with the emotions I’m feeling…

 

There’s been a change in my life… A change that’s really a good one but something I wasn’t prepared for.. Just the feelings and emotions that have come with it. I sit here even now and think.. How did this happen?.  How did i end up being the one to be here?.. And then I think it doesn’t matter.. I’m a wife, a mother, a sister, and a friend.. I’m the person people come to when they want the truth, a laugh, or a friend.. I’ve always prided myself for being there for anyone at anytime when they needed me.. I’m always a text or a phone call away… I’m so used to being there for everyone else that now that I’ve had this big change in my life I feel so alone..

 

I’ve always been there so long for everyone else that I really don’t know how to share what I’m feeling right now. Last week water came from my eyes… Water!!! I was crying. I don’t cry? It was the most awful and wonderful feeling all in one.. Crazy?… Yes maybe a little. I have this hurt feeling in my heart that wont go away. But again this is good news that I’m dealing with.. But to most good news, there’s always a down side and that’s where I’m at.  What do I need?… To be held, someone to say they love me and really at that moment feel that they do.  My forehead kissed, Give me a nice long deep hug.. Christ! I’d even love to get laid.. *wink*

I think what I’m feeling is normal. I’ve just been to busy with everyone else’s life 100% of the time I haven’t really learned what it feels like to miss someone so much and be happy for them at the same time.. Happy that their life has taken on a new journey… Learning that just because your with someone doesn’t mean that their dreams as a person stops just because they share a life with you.. And learning that when their own dreams come true letting those happen for them.. Allowing them to take new steps for the person they are even when its hard. Because new journeys can lead to new pathways in life…

Favorite Quote…. September 7, 2009

We are all fools on love.. Says Jane Austen in her book Pride and Prejudice… Something about this quote has made it the best quote I’ve ever heard… Even if we are not a fool in love we are fools that are looking to be in love.. Longing for the moment when we are captivated by the most perfect person in the world. Hummm… Its just very interesting to me.. I love the way Jane puts things.. Her words, her thoughts are some of the most wonderful things I’ve ever read.. So this is me just pondering my thoughts yet once again…

Motivation… August 31, 2009

Motivation, I don’t have any today… Today starts my first day of my week off from work. We had family that stayed all weekend and today I’m just lazy. I have a list of things I need to get done this week but here I am. Still in my pj’s, on my bed with my laptop. I try to give myself the ok that me being lazy is fine because well as most of us wife and moms know we never really get lazy days… My husbands at work and my kids are in school.. So its me here in the quiet of my home.. So guess instead of spending it cleaning right now I’m gonna take it easy just for the moment. Ok well I have all morning… haha!!!

Just a little fussy… August 27, 2009

Every had one of those days when you’re fussy all day?.. Well I’m there… I guess I could blame it on PMS but I think PMS gets to much flack by us ladies.. I’m just in a funk today. Nothing has gone as perfect as I would like it to.. Since I woke up at 5:50am all I wanted was my brown soft blanket and a tall glass of red wine.. It was one of those days where I had to keep my eyes on the prize or I wasn’t going to make it..

Yes I know there are worse things in life and there are so many things I need to be thankful for… At any rate, I’m fussy… I’ll go to bed fussy and I’ll hope to wake up in a much better mood. Or at least that’s all I can hope or right now.. Looking at where I am right now, I’m in a nice bed with a wonderful glass of wine so all is well right now.. Yet, I’m still fussy… I’m just pondering my thoughts so to speak…

Small things…. August 21, 2009

Funny how the small things in life you don’t realize you need until they are gone.. I’m on day 3 with no Ac… When it went out of course I was mad. My husband has done everything he can do to get someone out here. We had a guy come over yesterday, Thursday, and he was able to get the part but said they were busy and  they my not be able to get to us Friday. If not it would be monday until they could get to us… Ok, I realize being loyal to your AC guy but I wanted to find anyone else that would fix it…

Maybe this is God’s way of teaching me to wait on things even when I don’t want to. I mean he’s giving us the best weather for Aug. It rained yesterday and all weekend it will be like in the 70’s. So really waiting I guess wouldn’t be that bad but even still.. I want the air to work… Sleeping at night hasn’t been very easy, but still maybe this is a learning time for me…

Teenage Years August 16, 2009

I have a wonderful son… I’ve always called him my baby boy.. He’s such a mama’s boy, always has been and I know he always will be. Last month he turned 13. Now I was so excited to be a mom of a teenager. I mean this is a really big deal… Or at least for me.. I’ve heard a lot of mom’s say how sad it is but I was very excited. I love to see my children grow up. I want to see what they end up choosing to do in their lives and hope and pray that I’ve been a wonderful role model for them…

Ok so back to him turning 13. Chase has always been big for his age. Always in the 95% for everything. He went though full puberty by the age of 10 so he hit that way before all his friends did. He looks like he’s about 16 right now but no, he’s just 13. At any rate he has become the biggest monster I’ve ever known…  At this point I don’t know if its the age or what. I’ve heard friends say teenage years are worse than terrible two’s.. Really!!? This is what I was so excited for? He’s actions the last month have just been awful…

He made me so upset about his actions last week I took the one thing he loves more than anything… His xbox. I went as far at made him walk it down to my best friends house just because I don’t trust him to play it when I’m not home. I’ve been though things with him before but right now I’m so over it that he’s not getting it back until I see his attitude change…

Sigh… Being a parent is so hard at times… A long time ago I took my son to the Dr for his yearly check up.. The Dr. asked me how I was doing as a parent. Of course we always have our good and bad days with our kids. He asked me do I ever hear things about my son from other people.. I said, Yes! All I hear from teachers is how wonderful he is and respectful he is at school and to his classmates.. He told me something I’ll never forget.. He said, the things you hear about your children when they are away from you is the person that really are. .The person they will most likely be in the future.. Right now I just hope that’s true because I don’t see it right now.. I don’t see my baby boy, I see a totally different person… I’ll keep my chin up… It can only get better from here…

Men May 15, 2009

First of all I’d like to say not all men or boys are like this.. I’m just saying 9 times out of 10 they are.. So if you are one of the lucky ones that doesn’t fit in this little scenario then thank God for you…

From where I see it the men in my life can’t find their nose unless I show them where it is.. Around my house they call me the finder of all things. Is this because they can’t find anything without my help.. Anyhow here’s my story….

3 months ago my son got his ipod stolen at school. Now for the past year.. Hang on I need another glass of wine… Now where was I… Oh yes the ipod.. Being the good mom I am I always say. Son, please don’t take your ipod to school, it might get stolen. But he still took it because he has his routine listening to it on the bus and all..

So 3mo ago he tell me its gone.. Someone took it.. The office made an announcement that an ipod as been found but when he gets there its gone.. Of course it has his name on the back of it and he’s well known at school so it couldn’t of been his.. Now he start in on wanting me to buy him another one.. With Chase he knows I may wait for a long time but he’ll always get what he wants.. He gets that from me.. *wink* I told him maybe for his b’day. But that’s in July he says. I say to bad you’re the one who lost it…

To make a long story short I get a text at work the other day that says… I found my ipod… I text back Where?.. He texted me back and said in my backpack behind my calculator. He reached in there and picked it up.. I started laughing out loud.. For 3mo he’s walking around with it daily and didn’t even know it… 

When I got home I asked how did you feel when you found it?.. He replied, I felt like the biggest idiot!! Me being the fantastic mom I am I said. You should of!!! haha!!! It was my so what the fuck were you thinking moment as a parent.. But I left that part out… I so love him…

Trying to deal… April 7, 2009

Before reading my post please go to this site and read this.

http://www.newschannel5.com/Global/story.asp?s=10123881

So four days ago I was at this bar when this took place. I’m still in disbelief about the whole thing. I’ve gone almost 34 years, as of tomorrow and have never seen anyone die. Let alone killed. It was right there in front of us. If he had missed his target I may not be sitting here typing this. I guess I didn’t think I’d have this hard of a time with this but it has scared the shit out of me. Right now in my life I’m back taking  my panic attack meds again and I haven’t been able to seep at all.. Every time I do I see way to much or hear those loud gun shots, smell the smoke. See the door as I rush out, and feel my body shake as I try to drive home that night…

I’ve not been able to go to anywhere without looking at people different.. Thinking is this person going through something where they are going to start shooting?… Its the most uneasy feeling I’ve ever had before. The only way I know how to deal is to run… Running has been the thing I do when I just want to clear my mind of the world. I’ve ran so much the last few days you wouldn’t believe. I’m trying to deal and so are the friends that were there with me. Its just way hard.. I hope it will be more easy as the days go forward. But right now I can’t go 10min without thinking about it. Very stressful to say the least…

Living in the moment February 5, 2009

I love living my life in the moment. What I mean when I say that is living some of your life without plans. I know this is a hard thing to do. For me, its very hard to do because I’m a planner 110% of the time. I plan everything that I do at all times. For the last few weeks I’ve told myself that I’m going to let myself live in the moment of life. I’m not making plans on my days off at all. I mean yes there will be times I have to go to the dr or something like that. What I’m talking about is when I wake up I get my kids off to school and my husband off to work and then I just want to go where ever the wind takes me.. I’ve never done that before. I’m almost 34 years old and never done that. Never lived my life on someone calling me last min and saying lets to lunch or go for happy hour. These are things that needed to be planned weeks in advance for me. I think just because I value my time and who I spend my time with. 

It has been a challenge for me but its been fun and relaxing as well. I’m off for another week from work and I’m not sure what tomorrow holds for me yet. But for the first time I can’t say, I can’t wait to see what I decide to do with myself…